Roots Before Romance: Planting Seeds for Healthy Relationships

In this episode of the Inside OUT podcast, Jojo delves into the complexities of modern relationships, emphasizing the importance of building a solid foundation before getting swept away by initial attraction. She discusses the pitfalls of creating narratives about potential partners based on superficial impressions and the impact of dating apps on genuine connections. Jojo introduces the concept of planting seeds in relationships, advocating for patience and intentionality rather than rushing into emotional investments. The conversation also touches on the significance of self-love and personal growth in fostering healthy relationships, encouraging listeners to break negative patterns and focus on their own fulfillment.

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Transcript

Jojo (00:07.202)
Welcome to the Inside Out podcast. I'm your host JoJo, and this is where we will navigate the mess together. That is mental, emotional, and spiritual. Let's get into it.

Jojo (00:28.162)
Well, hello, hello. Welcome back to another episode of Inside Out. Thank you for being here. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to listen to this. Hopefully you guys have been having a great week and let's get messy. This week I wanted to talk about relationships. I think it's one of the most discussed topics in the podcasting space and probably just in everyday life. But I wanted to

approach this a little differently and I wanted to actually talk about the start of a relationship or when you meet someone that you're interested in or even just how a healthy foundation is built. I think the modern dating world is really a little bit of a mind warp, if you will, because we have all of the accessibility of dating apps and people's pictures and Google. I think it's very rare that

people meet in the wild anymore. I mean, it definitely happens. Don't get me wrong. But even so, you can still go home and search their social medias or look them up. And there's something that I wanted to like dive into there because that's such a trap sometimes because then we can see someone, we can be attracted to them. And then all of a sudden we're like,

running with a narrative of what their life looks like and what they do and how that fits in before you've even established any sort of foundation with them or even maybe even had a conversation or built any connection or and right now it's just attraction and this crazy narrative that we're running away with. I've definitely been guilty of this and I for sure know that my friends have through conversations I've had with them that we'll meet someone right and you're attracted to them

Maybe you have a conversation. Maybe you've met on a dating app. Maybe you've met at a bar. Maybe you've met somewhere out in the wilds like Whole Foods. Just throwing out options here. And there's an attraction, right? And then maybe you get their name or their social media and then you look them up and you're like, okay. And then you start potentially running with this narrative of what they do and like making up maybe a story of like what their life looks like. Now, this is where a lot of people get stuck.

Jojo (02:46.956)
And I see this happen a lot with girlfriends and I've definitely fallen into this trap where before you even get to know the person and have any sort of idea of who they are, you're creating a fairy tale in your head. And I know we don't like to look at this. I know that this is like, dang, I actually, I do that. Yep. Yes, Jojo, I definitely do this. We all do it and that's fine. But this is why

we get hurt because we make up an entire story in our head before we have any clue who this person is. And specifically Matthew Hussey, he has this book called Love Life and he talks about the four C's and it's chemistry, connection, compatibility, commitment. Now you can meet someone and be attracted to them and then be like, we have chemistry, we really get along. And then you can be like, are we compatible? Do we like the same things? Are we...

in the same area are we, in the same places in our lives, are we both interested in maybe similar lifestyles? Maybe one person likes to go out and drink really heavily and the other person is like, I wanna be active. That's not gonna be a compatible relationship. You might really like each other and be really interested in each other, but like at the end of the day, someone's going out partying all night and the other person wants to get up and take a hike in the morning. Your lives are not in parallel. So that's compatibility and then there's commitment.

This is where people get all sorts of backwards. We find someone that we like, my gosh, there's chemistry, we get along really well, and then we ignore the rest of it. And we jump straight to this fairy tale and we've built this castle, so to speak, and this story and this narrative in our head that has no foundation to actually show us that this is really...

a good investment of our time, the right person for us. There's literally no foundation. It's just like, wow, I found this thing. This is not from me, by the way. This is literally written in a book by Matthew Hussey where he says, your date that you're on is like when you go and you want to buy a piece of land and then you like want to build a house. It's like you bought the land and all of a sudden you just expect there to be a castle there. That's not how it works.

Jojo (05:10.798)
There's stages to this castle, but we in our heads see the plot of land, see the person and we're like, my God, he has a great job. He's a traveler, whatever it is that we like run away with. And then all of a sudden, if we've been on three or four dates and then we're like, he's not texting me back. my gosh. We run away with this thing and we're getting so to speak heartbroken.

or really invested in something that it was just our brains the entire time running away with this story. Now this is where we need to put the brakes on ourselves. I'm only speaking from the female lens here. I do know that men also do this, probably not to the same extremes that us girlies do it, but we are guilty of this. At least once in our lives we've done this. We've seen someone and we've like run away with the story and been like, my God, that's our husband or something.

ridiculous and we're like, we don't even know them. And then of course there's the crash and it's like, no. So I wanted to offer a different way in and maybe give a little bit more of a perspective shift because I think it's so easy for us to get so wrapped up in that initial chemistry or whatever.

And then it's all that energy of the wave. It's like you see a wave and it has all this energy and then as it reaches the shore, it loses momentum and it sort of crashes. And then there's no more wave. And then another wave comes. And that's what I've seen with my girlfriends, with friends, with people I know and stories. And you see it all the time where there's all this momentum, all this energy, and all of a sudden it just dissipates. And you're like, what, where did this go? my God. Why does this keep happening? So what I want to offer is maybe this is happening because

of this internal narrative and dialogue that we expect something to be a certain way. And I'm going to use these terms really loosely because I don't mean this in like a narcissistic type of way, but it's almost like if someone is pursuing you so hard in the beginning, like in that love bombing kind of way, again, I don't mean it in that actual term because that is a negative term. But if someone is pursued, well, maybe it is a negative thing.

Jojo (07:26.904)
But if someone is pursuing you so hardcore and they have no idea who you are, they don't know your beliefs, your morals, your values, your core, your anything. They're just like, I see a pretty shiny light and I'm interested and I'm gonna just like chase this like shiny object until I realize, no, not really interested anymore. And again, you see this all the time, but if that's like the first initial, there's literally...

There's no room for ebb and flow. You're going to always expect it to be like so full force and so on, on, on, on, on. And that's a lot. That's not sustainable. A few years ago, I met someone and we immediately clicked. We were together all the time. It was very fast and furious in the sense of we started spending all our time together. Again, not love-bomby, but just very intense, very soon.

and there wasn't that foundation. It was the flowers and the dinners and the extra long hours spent together. I mean, it was a lot, but it wasn't sustainable. And inevitably, once that understanding and really getting to know each other started to happen, we realized we are not compatible at all. The way we communicate is so different. So it's like we went from chemistry to commitment with nothing else in between. And that castle,

my God, it crumbled. And it crumbled fast. It crumbled within months. And in that, that can be very hard because you're like, my God, they were doing all these things and they stopped. And you start to really understand who that person is. And you're like, wait a second, I didn't sign up for this. And I think that's pretty challenging for a lot of us because that feeds into our limiting beliefs of I'm not enough and like, no one's ever going to pick me or I'm never going to find my person or

our fear of rejection, this can perpetuate this cycle so much because we expect, again, expectations. Like we expect someone to be showing up 100 % when they know us 0%. I mean, this is also what Disney and Hollywood and all of the things have kind of created. If the story is so intense and it's such a push-pull,

Jojo (09:49.004)
The story is never gonna have a good ending. You want like that really balanced, true, authentic connection. It takes work and it takes time. And yes, okay, there are the stories of people that meet and then they're together for 60 years, for the rest of their lives. And they knew immediately and it was instant and they just clicked and the end. Let's also remember.

how much society has changed, how much the digital age has changed, how much dating has changed, how accessibility is different, how people are actually learning more and doing more around the dating, around mental health, around all of these things. And our grandparents, while it is a beautiful thing, and it is possible still today for sure, it's not the norm. And the norm is

We meet someone on a dating app or we meet them in the wild and then all of a sudden, like we're together all the time and all of this stuff. And then you hear about the fade out or the fizzle or the crash and the burn. That's really where things go sideways for us, for them, for everyone. Everyone involved, for our friends that have to hear about it for the next 900 days, because we don't shut up about it. And this is where I want to shift all of it. So I was talking to a friend recently. They shared something with me that really hit home.

And it was such a beautiful analogy and metaphor that I really wanted to share this because I think this is a beautiful way to think about how relationships really are built. When you plant a seed and you expect it to grow, you don't stare at it. You don't keep watering it every 45 seconds. You don't hover over it. You plant the seed, you give it light, you give it space, you give it sun, you give it the adequate amount of water.

You go and you cut the dead leaves when they come, you trim it, you take care of it and you nurture it, but you let it be. You're not up on that plant all the time. And then when the flower grows, you're not like pulling apart all the petals and like examining every little detail. The same thing when you start a relationship. You plant a seed, you plant a foundation or an intention.

Jojo (12:10.83)
of I want to get to know this person. But that doesn't mean you're texting back and forth 24 seven. They have their own lives. You guys are two different people with your own friends, lives, jobs, families, interests, hobbies. The list goes on. If you're like too much all at once, that it's not even something yet, you're going to drown it. If I'm watering my plant too much, it's just going to die. So when you step back after you planted that seed in a relationship and you give it time,

You give it the space. You do talk, you check in, you you really get to know each other and you build that foundation. You find that plot of land. You get the right pieces. You build the house, you build the castle, and you make sure that like, you really are getting to know the person. To go back to those four Cs, the chemistry is the seed, the seed's planted. Now comes in connection. We have a really strong foundation of communication and trust and whatever. And then there's compatibility.

same stages in life, you might really like each other, but are you compatible? And getting to know those parts and not running away with the story before the story's even written. We love to write the story in our head. We never let the story unfold without control. So what happens if we just release? Yeah, that's terrifying. The unknown is freaky. I get it. I'm there. I'm with you guys, 100%. So I'm talking about this. But how boring is a book if you pick it up and you read the last page?

There's no point. You already know what happens. And also with expectations, and if you already know the direction your life's going, there's no room for excitement, for spontaneity, for growth, for change, for transformation, for adjusting, for play, for just anything that's out of the ordinary. And I can't tell you just on a personal note, how many times I've planned something like a date or anything.

And it just, you know, it doesn't work out or it doesn't like go to plan. The best times I've ever had with anyone is when it's just spur of the moment and you just flow. We're so rigid these days. We're so wanting to control and hold on and what's this doing and where's this going and And we don't just let it be. Again, 1 million percent guilty.

Jojo (14:32.662)
I can't sit here and say like, I don't do this because I a thousand percent do it, but it's the mental gymnastics that you have to do with yourself in order to not continue in these cycles. Because what's the alternative? You're just going to fall back into the same repetitive cycles that we already know. We already know they don't work. Maybe they work for the 1%. But what I do know is there is a different way to think about this, to reframe this and to have this unfold. So once that seed's planted,

and that flower grows and you give it the water, the sun, the space, the time, the air, the room to breathe, then you can really see, this a flower that I like? There's this beautiful quote that I found by Dr. Bollew. I think Jay Shetty was the one that posted it, but it's originally from Dr. Bollew. And it says, when people fall in love with someone's flowers, but not their roots, they don't know what to do when autumn comes.

Your relationships need to be built on deep alignment on values, character, morals, which are the roots. Not just love, appearance, hobbies, status, which are the flowers. I'm not sure if that resonates with anyone, but for me, it really signifies where we get stuck and also how we get stuck and how we run away with these stories that just keep us in the same feedback loop.

because now when you really take time and you step back and you don't run away with a story, and this is where the work is, this is where the mess starts, the mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of all of this really come into play. And this is where we get healthier with our approach in, because again, it's not really about them. And I want to make that so clear. Everything that I say is not a projection on what anyone else does. It's a

reflection on how we are in our lives and how we can really go inside and create the life that we want on the outside. And if we're not breaking these things down and really understanding or reflecting or changing the patterns in our lives that don't work, we're never going to get different results. This is hard to change in real time is hard because we can tell ourselves all day long when I meet someone, I'll do this. No, no, no.

Jojo (16:55.83)
You can tell yourself that as much as you want. The most important thing is when that person's standing in front of you. That's when it gets hard. And that's when you have to implement it. And it's so easy not to implement it. It's so easy to go back to those same patterns of, I just want to text them. I want to like have constant communication. I just want to blah, blah, No, stop, pause, wait, reactive. No, we're not doing that. Because that's not, again, that's not sustainable.

Because then what? If they have a busy day at work, what is that gonna feed? Your same narrative of like, I'm not enough, they don't like me. It just feeds our insecurities. And then it's like the chase and the pullback and all this stuff because it's not natural. I realized something recently too, and I'm not a big texter, but if I like someone, I obviously like wanna talk to them all the time. Like that's, I think that's very human and very natural.

But it's fighting that urge to do that because that's the waterboarding, that's drowning that seed. That's like the too much, too soon, too fast when you don't even know each other and that's not even earned yet. It's like you're trying to like make a relationship a relationship without any work, without any foundation, without any knowledge of the person or who they are really, truly. But also if we're being honest with ourselves and we send a text to someone we like or we're talking to or we're dating and they don't respond,

and that triggers that feedback loop of, what are they doing? Maybe they're like not interested. We got to look at that. And then we have to really do the inner work to get that limiting belief or that negative thought out because what? That's just going to happen every single time that they are busy and have a busy day or like they're exhausted and they just don't have the mental capacity, whatever it is. I mean, yes, everyone can take two seconds and communicate, but having that expectation that someone should

show up for you the way that you think they should is just a dead end disaster. How many times have you sent a text to a friend and it takes them a couple of days to get back and you don't sweat it at all? You're like, well, that's just them. Like I'm hear from them eventually. Hello, like why don't we give that same grace, space and acknowledgement to the person we're talking to? They do not owe us anything. This is the beginning.

Jojo (19:07.246)
Like your best friends might not respond to you for five days and like you're fine with it. You're like, I get it. They have a life. Okay. So does your person. So does your partner. So does the guy that you like or the girl you like, everyone has their lives. You can't just expect the minute that you meet someone for them to be all about you. They don't know you. You don't know them. Stop writing a silly story that has no basis in reality. Really get to know them and chill, take a beat.

take a hard beat and stop yourself in your tracks and be like, yo, it's cool. I don't know you. And I'm not writing a silly story that's gonna hurt me later on down the road. Because how many times do you actually like get to know someone you're like, actually, we're just not compatible. You're good with it because you know, it's just not it. So give yourself that same exact compassion and grace to do that with someone that yeah, you might be really attracted to them. You might have great chemistry. You might have a really strong connection. Okay.

Well, let's make sure the other C's are there. Compatibility, commitment. And if you're the one just writing a silly story and running away with the narrative, you're creating false expectations and you're only ever gonna be let down by it. In those beginning phases, you really get to know if you're just getting attention or if there is intention. Because someone can text you all day long and it just is that feedback loop of attention.

but they're not being intentional. They're not actually putting out anything or building anything. It's just like, I did this or I did, it's like, it's kind of just like a pen pal. Are they being intentional with your time? Are they actually investing in you? Is it talking and action? That's another thing that we just completely throw out the window when we meet someone that we're attracted to and we like. We don't actually take the time to be like, are they being intentional? my God, I'm getting all the attention, but are they being intentional?

and are they putting in the action that they are saying with their words? Like are they actually aligned? Because another thing is someone can future bomb us when someone is like, we'll do this at this date or we'll go here in this time or I can't wait for you to like see where I grew up. And it's like, wait a second, hold on. You're planting seeds for the future, but there's no foundation in the present. And we get so stuck in that when there's no action.

Jojo (21:25.944)
Did they call you and they said they would? Are there talk and actions lining up in the present day or are you just holding out because they said something they were gonna do in the future? Get real with yourself, look at it, really unpack it. It's not gonna be comfortable and it shouldn't be because you're breaking patterns, you're breaking cycles and anytime you do something new, it's the unknown and it's scary. We're so used to the familiar and we're so used to what we've always done and what we know that it's so easy to go back to that, to...

I'm just gonna text him or, he's not responding. So I'm just gonna call him or I'm just gonna, you know, no, stop. Put your phone down, take a beat and figure out why you're doing this. Cause if it's coming from lack and the scarcity mindset of, my God, they're not, then no, we're ending that right here today, right now. I went into a relationship with someone, amazing person, but I went into that relationship from lack and it was because the previous relationship that I was in,

I was so deprived of intention, commitment, all the things that once someone showed me what I really wanted and what I was lacking so much, it almost didn't matter who they were. It was that that's what they were bringing to the table. And because I was in so much lack, that seed that was planted was a negative seed. And what grew in that relationship was only lack because I went into it from lack, which doesn't...

breed any sort of healthy relationship. And unfortunately, because of that, it caused a lot of pain in a lot of ways. If I had just done the work before and knew that this was not a healthy balanced way to enter a relationship, I wouldn't have done it. And you know, we all make mistakes and there's trial and error. And I'm not saying that relationship was a mistake or that anything that happened was a mistake. I see it as a blessing. I see it as a beautiful way through life and learning.

But it brought me here today to be able to be like, well, let's shift this. What is the positive seed that we can plant? If you're just looking to fill a lack and get that energy and get that quick fix, that dopamine hit, I would advise you to sit down and fill your own cup. Build out your life so that when they're not responding, when life is lifing, that you're not repeating those negative thought patterns and cycles in yourself.

Jojo (23:50.484)
thus maybe projecting them onto that person and creating something that just didn't need to be there in the first place. Because let's say they didn't talk to you for a week and then they finally reach out and you're like, hello, where have you been? And there's that like tinge of whatever, like negativity or you're just like resentful. No, you have a life. You have friends, you have hobbies, you have interests, you have a career, you have things that you're doing. Fill it.

Do it, live it. Choose yourself. If you don't choose yourself, no one's gonna choose you. You've heard that a million times, I know. I'm serious. Like if you don't fill your life and then they come, they could talk to you or whatever and they have a busy week or whatever it is. And I'm not saying like this is what happens in a relationship. I'm saying like in the beginning of a relationship or just like getting to know someone or whatever. But you better have had stuff going on for yourself that you weren't just sitting there waiting for them because that person's not gonna be like, that's hot. Yeah.

She's got nothing going on, cool. No. Literally, absolutely not. They're gonna feel needed, like icky. They're gonna feel that pushback, because it's like, hold on, why do you need, like, what? You're your own person. What did you do before me? And honestly, what we probably did before them was put all of our lack in someone else and tried to fill that with someone else. Maybe, who knows? I've definitely done it. That's why you always hear love yourself before you love someone else, because you really do have to love your life and you really do have to have a life.

Because otherwise, what are you just going to attach and glob onto someone else's and then expect them to just be the source of your life? Let's get back to ourselves. Let's really focus on how we can do the work and not be like, well, they're not talking to me and they don't care and they don't know. I want someone to count how many times I said no this episode. It starts from the inside out. So let's break it down in the mess. Mental. We talked about it, right? We get really clear on our lives, what we want, being really intentional.

planting a healthy seed, not coming from lack, being really solid and not running away with a story or a narrative emotionally, not getting attached to that narrative, just understanding, okay, I'm interested in this person, but then letting it unfold and letting it be a natural ebb and flow and give and take and watering that seed and taking a step back and not pulling apart the flower and analyzing every little petal, you're gonna look at the rose and be like, my God,

Jojo (26:17.208)
just destroyed it. Don't do that to your relationship. Emotionally fill yourself. And spiritually, it's rewiring these patterns. It's going into those places and figuring out how we can change these patterns and these thoughts. I think another little key tidbit is we get caught up in the story when we start telling our friends, my God, he did this, my God, they did this.

that and you start romanticizing it and repeating it and playing it out and telling everyone. What happens if you just zipped your mouth? Yeah, I'm talking to someone, getting to know them. And you just didn't let this story run rampant in your brain and having to tell everyone every step of the way. And we just let it unfold instead of, you know, hearing our friends feedback and

my gosh, and wow, I can't believe this or whatever. It's like, honestly, if you don't hear from this person for a few days and you told your friend that, they're probably gonna be like, my God, well, that's crazy. Like he doesn't even like you. And then now you're telling yourself a whole story that's probably so untrue and he's probably just having his life or doing his thing.

and he will talk to you or they will talk to you when they talk to you. And also you could be the one that's just like, I'm busy. Like I'll get to it when I get to it. It's not because you don't like the person. It's just because again, you have a life. So have a life and have a full life. Spiritually doing this work and really pulling yourself back and understanding these cycles.

And again, not coming from lack and really letting it be will change a lot for you. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, we just need to realign and reframe everything that we put out, how we communicate, how we show up, and really just let things flow without control, without needing answers, and just letting things be. Because if you really do believe in this like I do, what is meant for you will never pass you by.

Jojo (28:20.364)
What is meant for you will always be for you. And no matter what, you can't ever really control anything. And if you put expectations on anything, you're gonna be let down because things happen. Life happens. And especially when you bring expectations and project them on someone else, it's when things really fall apart because how are they ever gonna be able to fulfill anything? You should set expectations for how you show up and how you are for yourself. Expectation.

on you is fine, expectations on someone else. That's where we get really, really stuck. So I hope that this helps reframe the way that we look at relationships, the way that we enter relationships, the way that we show up for ourselves, for other people. I was talking about romantically, but this kind of applies to, you know, your friends, to really anything, to building any sort of foundation with anybody. So let's get out there and plant some positive seeds.

Water them, give them space, give them light and see what happens. Don't forget to share this episode with a friend. Follow on Instagram at underscore inside out dot podcast and I'll see you next week. Bye.