Friendships: Toxic or Transformative

In this episode of the Inside OUT podcast, Jojo delves into the complexities of friendship, exploring how the people we surround ourselves with can significantly impact our mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. She discusses the importance of self-awareness in choosing friends, the necessity of setting boundaries, and the distinction between toxic and transformative friendships. Jojo shares personal anecdotes about her own friendships, emphasizing the need for open communication and the willingness to let go of relationships that no longer serve us. Ultimately, she encourages listeners to reflect on their own friendships and consider how these relationships align with their values and life goals. This episode discusses how important it is to be grounded in yourself so that you  have healthy and aligned friendships. Get MESy and reframe the way you show up to the most important people in your life. Part of friendship is sharing- so don't forget to share this with your people! Enjoy! :)

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Transcript

Jojo (00:07.224)
Welcome to the Inside Out podcast. I'm your host JoJo, and this is where we will navigate the mess together. That is mental, emotional, and spiritual. Let's get into it.

Jojo (00:27.736)
So today I wanted to discuss friendship and the power of friendship. And one of my favorite quotes is by the late Jim Rohn, who is author motivational speaker. And he said, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. And ain't that the truth? Think about the people closest to you. Think about really like the...

the main people you spend your most time with? Maybe that's your roommate, your spouse, your kids, your boss, your best friends, your working environment, whatever it is. And do you notice that those people have an effect on you? Maybe if you're at work all the time and you have a very negative boss, maybe that seeps into a more negative mentality that you bring home at night or...

Maybe if you are around your coworkers and they always want to go out and get a drink after work, that, you know, maybe you get pulled out of your healthier lifestyle and the things that are really important to you, like waking up early to go to the gym before you start work or getting a good eight hours of sleep. For the past couple of months, I've really looked at what I value for myself. And some of those things include my fitness.

my just overall physical health, being available and ready to work, a mindset that is clear, that is grounded, that I can be available to other people with, my family, my friends. And I had to let go of a lot of things that didn't work for me. I did a fun social test on myself this summer and I decided to do sober summer, which in New York people were like, you know.

Like, my gosh, how are you doing that? It's summer, it's New York. How can you be sober? I just wanted to figure out where my values lie and get really clear on my internal voice so that I wasn't being swayed or pulled into things that didn't exactly align with me. For instance, if I wanted to like wake up and take a Pilates class first thing in the morning before working all day, if I was out drinking or

Jojo (02:50.968)
just even if I had to drink the night before, maybe I wouldn't be so motivated to do that. So I just decided to completely go cold turkey on anything alcohol related. And I started to listen a lot to my own voice and not be pulled into social situations that maybe weren't exactly in alignment with what I wanted out of my day, my summer, my life. And that also came with

the people that I surrounded myself with. Now, maybe we have some friends that are our going out friends and nothing wrong with that. That's an amazing escapism or maybe that's exactly what you need after a long day at work or you just need someone to vent to, et cetera. But I noticed for myself that I wanted to be really careful with where my energy was going. And

If I was just more like, I'll do this or I'll do that, like more willy nilly with myself, I wasn't actually getting the things done in my life that were important to me. And one of those things is this podcast. Another of those things is just staying healthy, getting enough sleep, spending time with the people I love, my family, my friends. Another thing is traveling. And

The more I got very granular with how I wanted to spend my time and who I wanted to spend my time with, the easier it was to really get in touch with myself more. Now, the topic of friendship can be very challenging. I've also had to unfortunately step away from certain people. I've had to move on from certain people. I've had to...

And friendships, I've had to make tough decisions, whether I love that person or not, to really just let it go. And I've also been on the receiving end of where other people have said, you know what, this doesn't align with me or where this friendship is going doesn't work for me. Or maybe it's behaviors that I was displaying that didn't work for them. When I was a kid,

Jojo (05:07.372)
I had this best friend and we were absolutely inseparable. And we grew up together. We like did everything together. We like, we were basically sisters. And after high school, one day I just woke up and it was like, I never heard from her again. And I spent years trying to understand and figure out why that friendship didn't exist anymore. And I reached out to her constantly and never heard back.

It was, it was a very painful process, but in that I learned that not everyone is for you and not everyone is going to be on the same trajectory that you're on. And maybe for her, I held her back in certain ways, or maybe I triggered her and I, I brought out something in her that she didn't like, or maybe the things that I was about, or maybe my immaturity or maybe my

possessiveness in our childhood relationship of, you're my best friend and therefore you can't be friends with this person or whatever it was that I exhibited in those times. Maybe that felt very controlling for her and she didn't want to feel like I was controlling her. Now there's many speculations and I still don't know the answer. She never let me know why and that's absolutely her prerogative.

and completely understandable and I have nothing but love for her. But to that same point, sometimes the people in your life are meant to be there to teach you something. When I was 22, I made another really good friend and that relationship also ended up running its course over a few years. And her and I wish each other well, we're not friends, but she made it very clear that certain dynamics that we had in our relationship didn't work for her.

And now while that's very painful and while losing a friend can be very hard. Sometimes it's imperative that you do set those boundaries and friendships. And if something doesn't align with you, for instance, with this relationship, we were just on very different tracks, which is fine. But I don't think the way that I handled myself or the way that she dealt with certain things was cohesive enough for a friendship that could run parallel to each other.

Jojo (07:34.016)
I think I triggered her, she triggered me. It was like if we had plans and like we didn't talk about it, one of us would, it would be like a push pull and it didn't aid for a stable foundation of trust. And sometimes this can go for any relationship, but if you're not communicating effectively, if you're not aligned, sometimes you just, you do go two different ways and that's okay. Again,

another friendship, nothing but love for that person. But I do want to add that it is one of the most painful experiences that you can go through. mean, losing a friend is when you think that they might be your friend for life can be heartbreaking. It can be an absolute like earth shattering experience to lose a friend. And that's why I wanted to discuss this deeper because

Friendships can be toxic or they can be transformative. And hopefully the people that you have in your life, those five core people are elevating you and helping you evolve, transform, grow, rather than stifling you, holding you back, making you feel stuck. Because again, I probably made a lot of these friendships that I don't have anymore.

feel that they had to answer to me or that they owed me something or maybe it was just, maybe we just were oil and water. Maybe we just didn't mix. Fire and gasoline. I don't know. Sometimes again, people are just not meant to be your people. And finding those core people and the people that you really want to build.

a life with and around starts with really knowing yourself. So back to ourselves, getting really clear on what it is that you value, that you want, how you want your day to be, how you want your energy to be, and really figuring out those key concepts is going to inform the people that you spend your time with. Because if you value, again, your sleep or your health,

Jojo (09:57.484)
Maybe you're not going to be going out drinking as much or if you value quality time with your family, maybe you're not going to be spending so much time with your friends doing whatever it is. Maybe it's a party, maybe it's a concert, maybe it's this or that, and maybe you'll spend more time at home. Or if you have kids, if you're out late or drinking or hungover, maybe you don't have the emotional availability to be there for your child. So again, that really comes down to who you spend your time with.

but most importantly, where you are and getting real with yourself. As I mentioned, this summer has been very eye -opening and I've had to move on from friendships. I've had to let certain situations go. I've had to reevaluate what's important to me. And in doing that, I'm learning a lot about myself, what I need in a friendship.

how I can actually show up and be a better friend to other people and what that really looks like. I've also had beautiful long -term relationships and those are credited to the fact that you keep watering that plant and you allow for space, you allow for time, you allow for growth and really letting go of expectations. Two of my best friends live in different states. I'm across the country from both of them.

They don't even live in the same state and it's the three of us. And we've been best friends for 15 years, which is more than half of our lives. And the ups and downs and growth spurts and growing pains and just everything that we've gone through kind of growing up together has really aided for a foundation of a sisterhood. And now that's not always going to be true.

but allowing for human weakness, vulnerability, mistake, anything that really doesn't just ostracize a person for being human is really, really important. And knowing again what your boundaries are. Maybe your boundaries are that you need consistent communication or maybe you need to see each other once a year if you live in different places or...

Jojo (12:19.328)
Maybe you just need to catch up on FaceTime or text, but allowing for the room to grow and breathe separately creates a stronger foundation when you are actually together and not having that codependency. Now, I think I've noticed just from reflecting on my own relationships that I've had with friendships that haven't worked out is the dependency on those people for something.

whether that's excitement or drama or attention or fun or a fun night out or whatever it is, puts a lot of pressure on that relationship where they have to therefore be a certain thing. And expectations is the fastest way to kill anything. What I've, least what I've noticed. And

through these 15 year relationships and friendships that I've had, I've had to let go of a lot of expectation. I've had to just take my expectations, put them in a ball, throw them out the window. Because the minute I expect one of them to act a certain way is the minute everything crumbles. And then I'm only really hurting myself and then planting rotten seeds in a flower bed.

that didn't actually need to be there because I created a reality that they needed to show up a certain way for me rather than just being vulnerable, open and expressing, hey, I need you to reach out more. Like, I feel like this is maybe just a one way street. I need you to also feed this relationship. I can't be the only one watering this. Like you have to also bring the sunlight and the air and the water. And otherwise this is just a one -sided plant and it's just going to keep growing on my side of the fence.

Communicating those things, which I have done, has been very helpful because then you also see is someone willing and able to grow with you, to transform with you, or are you going to have to continue on your own journey without them? Because if you're not being fulfilled in any type of relationship and you're the only one doing any of the work, that's just, that's not...

Jojo (14:47.598)
That's not a friendship. That's just one -sided and that breeds resentment, that breeds toxicity, that breeds a whole plethora of negativity that I don't even want to touch with a 10 -foot pole. So getting into the mess of it, getting into the mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of friendship, the mental is first of all, just knowing what you desire, what you deserve, who you are, your boundaries, knowing yourself.

knowing how you want to be showed up for, knowing how you want to show up, knowing what they need from you, knowing how to communicate, how to share, how to really put in the effort. That's the first step. Now comes the emotional step, which is the vulnerability, the openness, the desire to transform and grow, and also be there for each other when maybe...

It's not easy to, maybe you've got your own craziness going on and maybe they are going through one of the toughest points in their life, but being able to, you know what, lay down your stuff, put it to the side and say, you know what, I love you, I'm here for you. And I'm going to be there to create space with no judgment. And I've got you. I don't think we hold enough space for the people in our lives, just from what I've seen. I know I haven't, I'm guilty of it.

I've gone into friendships and been like, well, you haven't done this for me. So why would I ever do that for you? And to me, that's not in line with who I am. That's not helpful for anyone. And it doesn't make anyone feel good. It definitely doesn't make me feel good. And I've been resentful. I've been spiteful. And, and when they're going through something, I haven't been able to be there, which has ultimately been the demise or a falling out period.

whether we continue the friendship after or not of that relationship. So again, knowing where your boundaries are and being able to be emotional and say, look, I'm here for you, but also having that reciprocated, it's a dance. And hopefully it's a dance that we're gonna do for life with the people that we really love and care about.

Jojo (17:12.834)
And I want to ground the spiritual aspect of friendship, which is probably a little bit more practical than we think. And it's just that common language and that common understanding of who that person is, where that person is coming from, and how to grow and transform the relationship with everything else that we've spoken about in mind.

It's necessary to acknowledge that people are in our lives to show us where we can grow and transform. It's not, you know, just someone that we go and get a drink with or, I mean, it is that too, but it's not just someone that we have fun with. It's someone we sit in the muck with, that we go through probably the hardest, most challenging things of our lives with.

They're the ones that are seeing you maybe go through your worst breakup, going through a job loss. I mean, the list goes on, but those are the people that sit in the muck with you. having that foundation of vulnerability, boundary, everything else, the mental, emotional aspects,

are going to enable you to have a transformative base to really grow spiritually. What I've noticed with one of my best friends in New York is that she doesn't let me get away with anything. She will call me out on my BS and not in a like a negative way. It's in a very grounded, very loving way where she's just like, hey, like,

you're doing this yourself or you're in a perpetual cycle that you're stuck in because of you or your expectations are ruining this for yourself. Like you need to take a step back for yourself. And she's also the one that sits in the muck with me all the time. You know, it, she's the one I'm vulnerable with. She's the one I'm, have the mental boundary, all of it. You know, we've gone through all of it together and I will have her on the podcast. We are.

Jojo (19:30.264)
going to talk about our friendship on this podcast because I think that's really important that you don't just hear everything from my side, but also that there is a dialogue and a conversation. just to preface this and what I've gone through with her is that it hasn't been linear. There have been things that have very much triggered me that I've brought to her attention that

she's then adjusted and changed and we've transformed and even evolved our relationship further together. And there's also been things that she's brought to me that I've had to completely adapt and change and shift because that friendship is super important to me. And again, it's that dance. It's that give and take. It's not expecting the other person to show up when you need them to show up. It's allowing for them to show up when they are able to show up. And it's calling each other

out sometimes for perpetual cycles that we're in or looking at ways that we're holding ourselves back or even if they're holding themselves back that you don't agree with. And I will talk about this more with her on the podcast, but I got to a point recently that because of an energy cycle that she was in and the way that it was affecting her emotional state,

because of how close her and I are, and again, back to the Jim Rohn quote, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

because of her mental state and what she was going through, it was seeping into my life. And it was, it was almost like a little cloud was around the stuff that I needed to create peace with. And I couldn't have certain energy and I needed my boundaries to be very intact and

Jojo (21:32.214)
I had a very candid conversation with her one day that I said, if this cycle continues, I love you, but I need to remove myself because I can't, I can't be in that with you. I want to support you, but if you can't remove something that's toxic, then it's going to just infect me. And you know, when you see like fruit next to each other and one's rotting and maybe they're like on the same vine or maybe they're in the same like.

raspberry box, but if one raspberry starts to rot, the rest of the raspberries slowly start to rot. And I think that's a very painful and beautiful way to understand friendship and also look at friendship. But if someone is in a toxic cycle, it's only going to fester in your life as well. And sometimes

one of you has to be strong enough to say, this does not work for me and pull out. And hopefully, which my friend did, they come along with you. They realize, wow, no, thank you. This is wrong. I don't like this. This is a pattern I don't want to continue. I'm out too. And therefore you guys can transform into all together. But if you don't, then what is it? The cost of your own life, the detriment to your peace. And that brings me to my last

point, which is stepping away from toxicity. There's someone that I was very, very close with and I had to, after a lot of tumultuous ups and downs and the cycle, which wasn't easy for me, I had to fully just say no more.

And even though there's so much love there for that person and I wanted them in my life forever, the cycles of repeat that they were in didn't aid me in evolving to my highest self and my highest purpose. And the chaos and the drama that followed them seeped deeply into my life and made me act in ways that

Jojo (23:51.54)
I didn't recognize made me fall into patterns that I've done my utmost to break. And it just came down to at the end of the day, I had to be like, no more, I can't. And making that boundary really firm. And you know, sometimes that's just the way it has to be. So I've been on the ending side. I've been on the receiving side of someone ending a friendship.

And it's not easy, but please take into account in your lives where you stand, what your values are, where your morals lie, what is important to you, where you want your life to go. And then take inventory of the people that you surround yourself with and think, okay, but is this in alignment with what I want? How I view my life, what I want out of my life, the piece that I want in my life.

the journeys I want in my life, any of the things, because if it's not, the first step is to get real with yourself, get honest about it, and then start to make some changes. So that being said, thank you for going inside out with me today. I really appreciate the time that you took to listen to this episode on friendship, toxic or transformative. And hopefully it gave you some insights to where

Maybe you're holding yourself back in your life because we're not going to point fingers and say it's them. It's not, it all starts with us. So make sure you subscribe on Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcasts, share this with a friend and don't forget to follow on Instagram at underscore inside out dot podcast. Okay. I'll see you next week. Have a good one. Bye.