What's the (Relationship) Rush? Removing the Rose Colored Spectacles

In this episode, Jojo explores the complexities of relationships, emphasizing the importance of building a strong foundation and integrating partners into one's life. She discusses the pitfalls of instant gratification and the tendency to rush into intimacy without truly knowing each other. Jojo encourages listeners to take their time, understand their partners deeply, and create authentic connections that can withstand life's challenges.

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Transcript

Jojo (00:06.956)
Welcome to the Inside Out Podcast. I'm your host JoJo and this is where we will navigate the mess together. That is mental, emotional and spiritual. Let's get messy.

Jojo (00:29.134)
Hi guys. Okay. So this week I want to talk about, get ready, wait for it, relationships again. I feel like you guys really liked the relationships episode and like the viewpoints that I have kind of accumulated from studying Kabbalah and my own personal work and the conversations I've been having with friends and really diving into

just relationships in general. And I know a lot of my friends are in relationships, are single, are going through breakups, are in their healing era, or just kind of unsure how to navigate this new paradigm that is a post-COVID world, everyone's on dating apps, or just the complete opposite of there's so many quote unquote options, yet nobody's

really available, if that makes sense. So there's a few concepts that have really hit home for me recently. And those are what I wanted to discuss today. So if you haven't listened to my Roots Before Romance episode yet, make sure to go back and listen to that because in that episode, I talk a lot about building a foundation for a healthy relationship and what that really looks like and how in this day and age,

We see something and we run away with a fairy tale and a narrative before there is any sort of foundation. Like building that foundation is really what gets lost these days and really getting to know somebody. So I think it's very common that we meet someone and there's an interest and there's a connection and you run away with a narrative and a story about what that could look like and you get interested in each other. And then there's the pullback phase.

And you really start to see like, is this person really someone I can build something with? What were their intentions the entire time? Where are they at in their lives? Were they just interested in what they saw on the outside? And we didn't really get to know each other and we don't really know each other at all. Or maybe we do know each other. Maybe we've known each other for years. But the way that we really approach these relationships nowadays,

Jojo (02:54.452)
or just like the beginning phase is I think honestly where we get so tripped up. And that brings me to the point where when we know someone or we've dated them before and they come back or they've never really left because they were always orbiting how we get stuck in those places of, well, maybe this is the right person for me because they came back when

It's probably just a familiarity paradigm rather than your person. It's probably just being alone and loneliness rather than conscious coupling or them actually wanting to come back. And I think so many of us are just like, I know this person. Like maybe, you know, we can figure it out or see what happens, but we don't actually look at why it didn't work in the first place. So when someone comes back,

Let's say you dated them for three months, a year, whatever, or an ex texts you. That familiar feeling is difficult to step away from because we know them, it's easy, or maybe it didn't work, but we're actually pushing what we need further and further away from us because we're still in that limited pattern of, well, they came back, so maybe it's...

this is it, rather than like looking at the facts of the relationship and being like, well, maybe I'm just a rotation. They've orbited enough and they've come right back around. They're back on their cycle of, and we're here again. But that's how we break the cycles in our dating lives. Maybe we choose to go back to these people because they know us, they know maybe it's our bodies and they know our personalities. They get our lifestyle. Like we don't have to start over with someone new.

But we never get real with ourselves about why we might be falling back into that just because it's familiar, because it is safe. But are you actually blocking like what you really desire, what you really want? And then we look at these apps and what is out there. I don't know if anyone else saw this, but I watched a clip on social media recently of the Drew Barrymore show. And one of the guests was like, dating apps should be called what's left. And Drew Barrymore literally had a spit take and like,

Jojo (05:21.59)
almost fell off the couch. That might sound judgy because I know a lot of my listeners are on dating apps, which is completely fine. And again, no one's judging you, especially not me, but we do have this like scarcity mindset of are we ever going to find that person? There's so many options out there. How are we going to know? Maybe we match with someone, but there's a better person. And we're not actually like really looking for what we desire. We're just looking to fill a void. And then when we do meet someone,

It's that chemistry, it's that connection. And we just jump into everything so fast and build out a crazy narrative in our head or paint this picture that has no basis in reality or think it's going to go in one direction. And then you realize, wait, I don't even know this person. What am I doing? So there's two concepts here, right? It's like either you go back to the familiar because it's easy and you know it, or you really try to adjust the way that you

date, take the time and build a foundation with someone. And this is the part I haven't talked about, which might get a little controversial is the wrong word, but I don't think everyone's going to like what I have to say about this. And that's okay. You don't have to like it. Feel free to turn it off. Feel free to unsubscribe, do whatever you need to do. But the reality is of the relationships that I admire so much and that I've seen work.

and couples that really know each other are the couples that took the time and that took all of the extra fun parts of like the beginning of the relationship, like the honeymoon phase, if you will, out of it, threw it out the window and were like, no, I'm gonna get to know you on a human to human level, on a person to person basis.

I'm not gonna get caught up in the attraction and the physical intimacy and the la-di-da land of what our chemistry is. I'm gonna toss it. I'm gonna zero in on the human being in front of me and really learn who they are. What stresses them out? What are their likes? What are their dislikes? Who are they on a good day? Who are they on a bad day? How do they deal with when they're stressed at work? How do they deal with when...

Jojo (07:43.052)
something upsets them, how do they deal with their finances? How do they deal with every aspect of their life? Because if you're looking for partnership, these are the things, these are the unsexy realities that you're going to have to deal with eventually. And this is probably my guess why most relationships don't work because we jump immediately into the attraction, physical intimacy, dopamine bonding, chemically bonding phase.

and we miss out on the actual essence and human that we're dating. I mean, how backwards is that? Most of us want to be with someone for the rest of our lives. And I know there are people out there that don't think that there's one person for all of us. That's fine. But a majority of us want to find our person. And I am definitely of that want group. I've also done the bonding and the intimacy and the all of it.

way too fast, way too soon, immediately, honeymoon, goo goo gaga, and then you get into a few months down the road and you're like, wait, who are you? this is how you see the world? these are, no, we're not aligned. And then the relationship ends because we've done it so backwards. And again, I'm not saying that this is the only way in and there is gonna be a lot of controversy and a lot of people, like I said, aren't gonna like this and that's okay.

You don't need to. But if you really do want to find someone to really understand their values, their morals, how they view the world, how they show up for you, how they show up for the people in their lives, it doesn't come from all the instant gratification and the lavish dates and the talking all the time every single second of the day.

It comes with time, space and really seeing who that person is, understanding their work schedule, their life, the way they live, who their friends are, how they treat their friends, how they show up for you, how they communicate, when they get stressed out, what their relationship's like with their siblings, if they have any, their parents, how they relate to the world around them, not just how they relate to you.

Jojo (10:02.232)
while your relationship is gonna be between you and that person, you are going to be in the world together side by side, and maybe you're gonna have a family. How they show up in the world next to you is gonna be really important because how many times have you gone into a situation with someone that you're dating and you bring them around your friends and you're like, what are you, how are you acting like that right now? Who are you? Because typically when we meet someone, we're just all up about them immediately.

and it's just you two all the time together latched onto each other. And then you start introducing the friends and the family and the situations and, I don't want to put too much pressure on this and have them meet everyone because then it's going to, no. If you want a serious relationship, if you want to build something with someone, if you really want a real relationship, and again, we're not honest. We never really say, yeah, I want a serious relationship. How many people?

have you gone on a date with and they're like, I'm not really looking for a relationship. And you're like, well, then what am I doing here? And maybe you say to them, I'm not really either. How many times is that from a place of not wanting to be rejected and just wanting to be the cool one or fit in again, maybe you aren't looking for a relationship and maybe they aren't either. And if you're just looking for a fun fling, whatever, this is not what I'm talking about right now. I'm actually talking about when you want to build out something with someone and the way to do that.

Again, you take the time, you take the space, do the, watering the plant, seed, but then you have to integrate it. You don't just have the plant sitting by itself. You have to put it in the garden and the garden are the other people in your life. They're your friends, your family, your life that they are actually going to have to be a part of from the jump. They're going to have to be a part of eventually. So why not do what?

no one does and do it backwards. Integrate them immediately. Have them meet your friends off the bat. We put so much pressure on introducing someone that we are dating to our friends, to our families. What if we reframed that? What if we off the bat, as we are building out a connection with them, we start to integrate them immediately so we don't have to transplant them into our world and be like,

Jojo (12:26.35)
Well, I really like you and I have this connection with you and everything's really great, but now I need you to also figure out how you fit into this world because maybe they're not going to fit. Then what you've just wasted X amount of time and months and energy and investment on this person when they don't even fit into your, your family, your people. If you want to build roots, if you want to establish a foundation with someone, you should probably bring them in immediately.

to your actual life and not have this guessing game of, will they fit in? Will they like each other? my gosh. You're gonna know immediately if someone works in your world, if they just naturally come into your world in the beginning. And the minute we bond physically with someone or we're clouded by our intimate connection to them or all the bonding hormones that are released, serotonin, dopamine, et cetera, et cetera.

that happen when we're intimate with someone and we take that out of it and we just get to know them person to person around our people in our lives. There's not so much pressure, attachment or fixation on an outcome and the expectations can just drop and you can literally just be like, who is this person? You can come in with more play, with more curiosity, with more availability and bandwidth to actually see them.

instead of projecting the idea of what you feel with them in private or in the first few months of figuring out what you guys have together when it's not built on really learning who someone is. It's built on the instant gratification, again, the bonding of intimacy and this picturesque story that you've told yourself in the confines or privacy of your own homes rather than like interacting with

your respective worlds. Now, another thing that I don't think people are going to necessarily love that I have to say about this, but you have the rest of your lives to be intimate. If this is your person, why are you rushing that? Why are they getting to be the closest to you immediately when they don't even know you? You're letting someone in on everything that you are without really knowing anything about them. And it goes both ways, but I think for me at least, that doesn't work.

Jojo (14:51.928)
whether we've done it or not, whether this is your reality or not, maybe you're someone who takes your time and that's amazing. I definitely haven't always been this way. In the past couple years, this has been my thought process and how I've approached relationships, really getting to know someone before they have the other parts. And the most successful relationships, again, like I said in the beginning, that I see are ones that

They really do get to know each other and there's not surprises because you're not expecting them to show up away for you because they did in the beginning or they're trying to put their best foot forward, but you're really just understanding who they are because you've seen them without the rose colored spectacles. Cause you didn't allow yourself to put them on in the first place. You just stood back and you're like, okay, more or less show me who are you? How do you relate? How do you relate to the world? How do you relate to me? How do you relate to my family? How do you relate to my friends?

How you fit in? Maybe you don't fit in. And that's also okay. But if we really, really, really want that love story, that partner, that person to build a life with, if you really wanna build a life with someone, I wanna ask the question, have we been going about it all wrong? Have we really been true to?

ourselves or are we locking ourselves into a situation because of lack, because of fear, because of instant gratification, because of not wanting to be alone or are we really building out a genuine connection and really just eyes wide open seeing someone? Mental, emotional, spiritual, sexual. This is a different kind of mess because mentally we always want to

be identifying these things, but it's so hard to get real with ourselves, especially when there's attraction and we find someone that we're really interested in and my God, but maybe they won't accept it or they won't agree with me or I could lose them. Good. Go through all of these crazy thoughts, but then realize the person that you're meant to be with, if you really do this the right way for yourself is never gonna judge the process at which or the speed at which or the boundaries which you set because the person that

Jojo (17:09.376)
is gonna be there for the rest of your life. You want them forcing you to do something or build something in a way that doesn't work for you? That's really telling. If anyone is telling you or pressuring you or pushing you to do something, it's just not it. Sorry. It's just so evidently not your person. And then emotionally, if you do this, you're not gonna be so wrapped up in the outcome, the story, the fantasy, the...

whatever fairy tale that you've always painted because you're just going to see who they are. You know, when you start a friendship with anyone, like literally you're starting a friendship and it's so cliche. And I always kind of cringed in the past when this couple is like, this is my best friend. Good. Like honestly, that's what I want. I want my best friend because at the end of the day, life isn't always just going to be about the dopamine and love connection and mushy. No.

I mean, life is life and life is tough and stuff happens. You can't just ignore the fact that you need a really strong foundation with someone. And if you don't have that foundation, what happens when things go south, when life gets hard, when life, life's, if you don't know how that person responds to certain things or how they deal with certain things and you haven't had those conversations.

of really who they are and how they perceive and think about the world and how they address stuff. How are you going to address stuff that needs to be addressed when it comes up? Because your foundation in the beginning, what you built it on was just this insane attraction and great chemistry and honeymoon cupcake phase. And I think again, the older we get, the more we really realized this is what matters. Like someone we can really side by side get through life with. And obviously we realize what the other S.

in this mess is, but just hold off. Just, no, it's not on the table. Get to know the person, see them, learn them. And I guarantee you it's gonna change everything. You're gonna value each other more. You're gonna care about each other. You're gonna actually build intimacy in a vulnerable, connected, authentic way rather than just the physical way. And maybe you were already in a relationship and this is not how your relationship started and that's also okay.

Jojo (19:31.01)
But maybe there's a course correction that needs to happen, or maybe you're realizing, whoa, I really don't know this person as well as I thought. Is there a way that we can read out this? Maybe there are ways that you can. Maybe there's stuff that you can implement even from what I'm saying into your current circumstance, or maybe you're single and the dating world is not working for you and you're falling back into those familiar paradigms and you're going back to that X or you're going back to

the person that ghosted you and now is back and trying to take you out again. And it's just that same silly cycle. Or you're trying to figure out a better way in when you do meet someone that you really do want to get to know and build something with. And getting honest about what you want is only going to help you because the person who doesn't want the relationship and you're saying, well, I do at the end of the day,

They might just be scared too and didn't want to admit it because they don't want to be rejected either. Or maybe that's just not your person and you just cut through a whole plethora of BS that could have shown up on your doorstep because you got real from minute one. And you're also going to decipher if someone is actually looking for a real authentic connection and wanting to build a serious relationship with you because the more that you slow down and stop,

and you don't just rush into bed with them or go on vacation immediately or do any of the really fun things. And you do start with that coffee date and you really just see and you just pause and you get to know them. You're gonna really see if that's something that you can sustain or that they can sustain over a long period of time rather than just like, yeah, this works for now. And then they get sick of it. But at least you didn't invest more of yourself and you just

put the brakes on yourself and you're like, look, if this is meant to be, then it's gonna naturally unfold from an organic way of building rather than they get everything immediately and then it falls apart. Stepping into relationships and building relationships differently is really what we need to be focusing on from the jump. Because if we don't have these instilled in us before we meet someone, or if we don't start really course correcting now,

Jojo (21:47.008)
it's only gonna be a longer trajectory to get to where we really need to be or that we really wanna be. This episode might bring up a lot of anxiety for some people because doing things differently is so difficult when we've always done something the same way and to really veer off and try something different is scary because it's the unknown and we don't know it to work and we only know what's not working but yet we still continue doing it because we think that something's gonna give.

and it never does. And for me, a number of boyfriends later, I'm really seeing the purpose in building out a foundation, really the person to person aspect of getting to know someone, how they communicate, everything. And it's hard. And you're go in a million circles and being like, is this the right thing? Am I doing this the right way? my God, it's so much easier just to give into what I've always done and it feels better to.

do it the instant gratification route, but the outcome is more pain. So I really hope that this offers a different perspective. Maybe has rattled you up a little bit. Maybe that's a good thing. I know when I started to do this, I was anxious all the time. didn't feel good. It didn't feel good to break these patterns. It didn't feel good to try something new. It was really tough. It is really tough. I mean, I'm doing this every day and it's just completely different.

And it's really empowering because you get to really understand yourself and what you'll put up with and what you won't. So if you resonated with this, please share with a friend, share with someone you think could benefit from this, who could have a different perspective shift, who maybe you're dating someone and you want to send this to them and be like, let's try it this way. Let's change the course of how we're entering this relationship. Or maybe you're just going to instill this

in yourself and if you are going to do this, awesome. I applaud you because it's not easy, but I really hope you do find that partner and you do find the person that is going to love you and who's going to support you and who's going to really not just see you, understand you. Who's not just going to like you for what you are on the outside, but who's going to love you for what you are on the inside. Okay guys, well that wraps up this week's episode of Inside Out. Share, subscribe.

Jojo (24:08.906)
like, review, do all the things wherever you listen to your podcasts and check out the show notes, check out the website, check out the Instagram and underscore inside out dot podcast. And I will see you all next week on another episode of inside out. Okay, bye.